the four agreements by don miguel ruiz
written by jasmine irven
I’d been meaning to read the four agreements for forever. It’s short, to the point, and I’ve been told so often how much it resonates with all those who read it.
I actually even started listening to this book via audible last year and had to stop because I found I was listening too passively and there were so many takeaways in the book that I wanted to really take in. So, I put it on my 2020 reading list! I took the time and energy to sit with the content in the book, taking notes and reflecting on what it meant in my own life.
I’ve captured my key takeaways from the book below, and hope they’re a helpful resource for if you’re unsure of if this book’s for you (it probably is), or if you’ve already read the book and are just looking for a good summary of it.
the premise
The book revolves around the fact that as we grew up we were given a set of rules or guidelines by our parents, who also received these rules when they were younger, outlining how to behave, what to think, how to feel. These rules became our beliefs and even if we didn’t choose them and have resistance towards them, we’ve accepted and agreed to many of them on some level; so much so that we don’t even need society or our parents watching over us anymore to make sure we adhere to them; we do this ourselves.
We reward ourselves when we follow the rules and punish ourselves when we don’t, and challenging the rules involves going against the norm and what feels “right” innately. These beliefs set us up for suffering. Not only do we suffer when we “break” these rules, but also whenever someone else brings up a mistake that we’ve made, or when we remind ourselves of our mistakes every time a memory comes up. Every time we remember we judge and punish ourselves, continuing to suffer for the same mistakes.
We have an image of perfection formed in our minds as we grow up, and reinforced by society, and we continually try to live up to this. We have learned to live life trying to satisfy other people.
“Just being ourselves is the biggest fear we have as humans…We end up feeling inauthentic because we try to put on a mask - so afraid that someone will realize we are not what we pretend to be.”
But this image is unrealistic and because we can’t fit in it, we’re set up for failure. In not being perfect we reject ourselves; how much so depends on how much our integrity has been broken by these previously created agreements.
The most important agreements are the ones you have made with yourself; telling yourself who you are, what you feel, how to behave; your personality; “this is what I am, this is what I believe.” One single agreement is not such a problem but we have so many that cause us suffering. We spend a lot of our personal power on keeping these agreements.
We have the power to break these, to form more self-love instead, to create more agreements with ourselves out of love rather than fear, but so often we do not. The book then outlines 4 main, powerful agreements that will help you reclaim your power and transform your life.
the four agreements
be impeccable with your word
Our words are powerful; often causing ourselves and others suffering. What we say leaves an imprint on others, and we are imprinted with others words.
We may not mean to cause harm, but we do not know how much of an imprint our words may have on someone. In the same way, others may cause us harm. we don’t know their intentions or the motivation behind their words, but we take them in and on some level agree to their words. Their words change our perceptions - of others and ourselves.
He likens this process to a virus. Being impeccable with your word not only helps the stop of the virus, but helps you as well because the virus only spreads in you if there is a good breeding ground. Being more intentional with your word will allow seeds of love to be planted rather than seeds of fear; good bacteria rather than bad.
Begin using words to be kind. First focus on yourself; notice how you talk to yourself and transform your word. Then, continue using your words to spread that kindness.
don’t take anything personally
Not everything is about you. What someone does, or says, isn’t because of you. It’s about the other person, because all people live in their own mind. What others say and do is because of the agreements they have - it’s due to their programming. And, if you take it personally you are agreeing that it’s true, perpetuating these toxic agreements in your own mind.
Even in our own minds we experience this; random thoughts that have no explanation, conflicting beliefs; we need to take account of our agreements in order to sort through this chaos.
You have the choice to believe or not to believe what others say to you; to believe or not believe what you say to yourself. When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you’ll find that you’ll have a huge amount of freedom, because you’ll only have to listen to yourself – choosing peace and happiness over anger and fear.
don’t make assumptions
When we interact with others and there is an unknown in some aspect of the relationship, our mind makes an assumption to give ourselves closure. It’s not important to us if the answer we’ve created is right, just the answer itself makes us feel safe.
The problem with assumptions is that we believe they’re true, and we take them personally. Rather than clarifying, communicating, reasoning, etc., we assume. We also do this with ourselves - under- or overestimating ourselves because we don’t take the time to ask ourselves questions.
It is always better to ask questions than to make assumptions, because assumptions set us up for suffering. Find your voice. Ask for what you want. Focus on clear communication: with yourself and others.
always do your best
This agreement is the most important because it allows the other agreements to come to fruition.
Under any circumstance, always do your best – no more and no less. When you try to hard to do more than your best you will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best will not be enough because you’ve depleted your body. When you do less than your best, you subject yourself to things like judgement and regret. If you always do your best there is no space to judge yourself.
Don’t expect that you will always be able to be impeccable with your word. Don’t expect that you will never make another assumption again. Just continue to do your best, and to continue trying regardless of what happens.
Also know though, that your best is going to change from moment to moment. When you’re sick or tired your best is not going to be the same as when you’re healthy and full of energy. When you’re working on something you love your best will be different than if you are working on something you think you should be doing.
When you do your best you will begin to enjoy the process. You’ll learn to accept yourself, get better, learn from your mistakes. You’ll realize the importance of spending time on the things you love and want to do, rather than taking action to please others. You’ll begin to live life intensely - accomplishing your goals because you are giving your best in all areas of life.
You were born with the right to be happy. To be loved. To take action and live fully in all areas of your life - not to have fear around expressing who you are. Enjoy life as it’s happening right now. Don’t let it pass you by. Say no when you want to say no, yes when you want to say yes. Honour yourself. Accept yourself. Love, enjoy, respect, clean, and heal yourself. Do your best and make yourself proud.
keeping these agreements
The key in keeping these agreements is action, because manifestation comes from continuous action. We learn through practise; we transform through repetition.
Defend these agreements; many people and things will try to break these agreements. And despite the fact that these agreements are simple and logical, they will require a strong will to keep them.
If you fail do not judge yourself. Start again. Try again. Stay focused on the present moment and recognize that every moment is a new beginning.
moving forward
The first step is awareness; realizing that we have these agreements, but also recognizing that there’s no need to continue to suffer.
Recognize that you can change at any point.
Take inventory of your current agreements; develop an awareness of all the beliefs that make you unhappy.
Focus your attention on the agreements you want to change. stop fuelling these agreements. Rather than feeding the agreements that have been formed out of fear, focus on creating and feeding new agreements, based in love.
Look for ways to transform. To heal. Begin to adopt new agreements like the 4 agreements, that resonate with you.
Start small. This will help you grow your personal power and confidence.
Go step by step, and be patient with yourself – you can’t expect transformation in one day (think of how many years you’ve been fed these agreements!).
Put repetition into action; put these new agreements in your life and continue to repeat them.
When you awake, give gratitude. For this day, for this moment, for the opportunities you have to change your beliefs and create a world with less suffering. Ask yourself: what makes me happy now? Focus on that. You deserve to be happy.
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about the author
Hey there! I’m Jasmine, founder of the Sustainable Bliss Collective, a Certified Meditation Teacher, and lover of all things self-care, slow-living, and personal development.
I believe that ambition and self-care can coexist, and as such I hope to encourage and inspire you to take care of yourself, breathe deeply, connect with who you are, manifest your dreams, enjoy the blissful moments of each day, and make an impact in this beautiful world we call home.
Connect with me on Instagram here!
